by Shannon Gibney (Author)

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The Girl I Am, Was, and Never Will Be: 

A Speculative Memoir of Transracial Adoption

I stare into the mirror, a stranger looking back. The face is mine, yet feels foreign. Brown skin is a heritage I'm learning to embrace. A past, present, and future tangled in transracial adoption.

This memoir explores my identity. It examines my past, present, and potential future. These are shaped by race, family, and who I am.

Unpacking the "Was": The Early Years and Racial Awakening

This part is about my childhood. It's about how I first learned about race and adoption.

The Innocence of Childhood: A Colorblind World?

My early years were filled with love. Race wasn't a constant topic. I saw my family as just that: family. We lived in a little bubble.

Even with good intentions, biases can exist, maybe in the books we read or in casual comments from others.

Once, a classmate asked if my mom was really my mom. It was simple curiosity, but it stuck with me. It highlighted our differences in a way I hadn't noticed before.

The Cracks Appear: Facing Racial Differences

The world isn't colorblind, I began to see it. Small things made me think. A question, a glance, a joke not quite landing.

Microaggressions hurt. Kids would comment on my hair. Some confused me with the only other brown girl. It made me feel like "the other."

At school, during a class project on family history, my adoption became a public discussion. I felt exposed. Everyone knew I was different. It was isolating.

Family Dynamics: Navigating Well-Meaning Intentions

My parents did their best. Race was hard to discuss. They tried to be supportive, but couldn't always understand. It wasn't their experience.

White families may face unique challenges in raising kids of color. It's important to acknowledge these differences. They can read books and ask people, but it's still not the same.

Adoptive parents, find resources from your child's culture. Seek out diverse perspectives. Your child will thank you for it.

The "Am": Identity in the Present Tense

Now, I'm defining myself. I'm doing it regardless of expectations or upbringing.

Beyond the Mirror: Defining Self on My Own Terms

I'm learning to love my skin. Connecting with my heritage has helped. My chosen family supports me. It’s about creating my own narrative.

Community matters a lot. I joined a cultural organization. It's a space where I truly belong. I can connect with my roots through music and art.

The Tightrope Walk: Balancing Two Worlds

It's a balancing act. I'm in a white family, but I'm a woman of color. Code-switching can be exhausting. I navigate two worlds daily.

There's pressure to fit in. But, I'm learning to be authentic. It's okay to be both. It's who I am, after all.

Transracial adoptees, practice how to discuss race. Prepare for questions. It helps to be confident.

Confronting Internalized Racism

Sometimes, I have to unlearn things. Internalized racism is real. It affects how I see myself.

Self-compassion is key. Seeking help from a therapist has helped. It’s good to talk to other adoptees too. They get it.

The "Never Will Be": Imagined Pasts and Futures

What if I hadn't been adopted? What if I grew up in my birth culture? This is about exploring the possibilities.

The Ghost of the Other Life: A Parallel Reality

I imagine another life. One where I speak my birth language. Where I know my extended family.

This other reality has good and bad sides. Maybe I’d feel more connected. But maybe I'd face different struggles.

I research the culture of my birth country. I read stories. I compare those experiences to my own.

Reclaiming the Narrative: Imagining a More Inclusive Future

What if transracial adoption was handled better? What if society was more accepting? I dream of a world where race doesn't divide.

We need changes in adoption practices. More support for adoptees. More cultural understanding. It's important.

Support policy changes. Promote understanding. This can help other transracial adoptees.

Embracing the Ambiguity: Finding Peace in the Unknown

The future is uncertain. I'm learning to be okay with that. My journey is unique. There will be ups and downs.

It is okay to be still becoming. My identity is still taking shape. Finding peace within this unknown is crucial. I will keep going.

Moving Forward: Actionable Advice for Adoptive Families and Adoptees

Here are some tips for adoptive families. Plus, advice for fellow adoptees.

Building a Bridge: Communication Strategies for Adoptive Families

Talk about race openly. Create a safe space for tough talks. Listen to the adoptee's point of view.

It's important to validate feelings. Even if you do not understand. It is okay to ask questions. Education helps.

Adoptive parents, learn the adoptee's love language. Try to be there, listen well. Show them that their thoughts are valid.

Finding Your Tribe: Resources and Support Networks for Transracial Adoptees

Find your community. Look for support networks. You are not alone.

There are organizations for transracial adoptees. Online communities exist. Some therapists focus on adoption issues.

Check out the Adoption Network. Search for local support groups. There is someone who understands.

Conclusion

My identity is complex. Transracial adoption shapes me. But it doesn't define me.

Self-discovery is a journey. Greater understanding is needed. Support other transracial adoptees. I am still on the path to becoming.

I will keep growing. I will keep learning. I am the girl I am, was, and will be. <  more  >